March 29, 2023

I am visiting what the Daily Mail has told me is their unbiased independent think tank called, ‘The propaganda centre for scaring Scottish people against independence’ which is 100% funded by the Daily Mail. I ask Professor David Lloyd how he came to the conclusion that Scotland can’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.

‘Our methodology has been very very rigorous, five colleagues and I were fitted with scissors on our hands like Edward Scissor Hands, then to mimic Scotland we got really drunk on Buckfast and turned out the lights. We even put on Scottish accents, ‘Och aye the noo, there’s a Moose in the hoos, yeah I’m the commanding officer of the Red October’.

Then we tried to pick each others’ noses. The result of this carefully conducted experiment was a bloody mess all over the place. You can’t argue with so much evidence, I even got blood on my socks somehow. This proves that Scotland simply can’t be trusted with a pair of scissors, how can it be expected to stand on its own two feet as an independent country?

To triangulate this experiential evidence with secondary data we also watched a documentary on Scotland called ‘Trainspotting’. Now, would you let Begbie give you a hot shave at the barbers or let him fix your flat-screen TV if it had some colour distortion? No, I didn’t think so.’

John Powell editor of the Daily Mail then told us;

‘We presented this irrefutable evidence to the wicked evil Herr Alex Salmond himself and told him it completely torpedoes his demonic scheme to break up civilisation and bring us back to a plague riddled dark ages with an independent Scotland.

The dark lord Salmond replied ‘Scottish people are just as capable as our English friends south of the border and anyway what is so wrong about having aspirations to be an independent country?’.

Daily Mail Editor John Powell, ‘In response to this blatant propaganda and implausible myth making we at the Daily Mail have been forced to change our editorial policy for the safety of our readers. We will no longer be directly reporting the dangerous satanic verses of Osama Bin Salmond or using facts in any shape or form as a basis of prediction about an independent Scotland but will instead be using the unbiased independent think tank to come up with a more accurate scientific method of deciphering what Scottish independence will look like’.

Professor Lloyd, ‘After a lot of methodological deliberation within the research team we have come up with a valid procedure to accurately predict post independence scenarios. We will pour sand into a bath and then place four kittens in there and see what kind of shapes they make as they play and do that half hearted poo burying thing. Mystic Meg will then use her interpretation of the patterns formed in the sand to channel her psychic powers to distil the essence of what Scottish people are afraid of. These fears will then be splashed across the front page of the Daily Mail every day in alarming headlines that always begin with ‘Alex Salmond’ and end in ‘if Britain is broken up’. For example, ‘ Alex Salmond to sell your children if Britain is broken up’, or ‘Alex Salmond to criminalize all takeaway battered food products if Britain is broken up’.

‘Mystic Meg doesn’t work for the Daily Mail’, remarks John Powell, ‘that is why we chose her, because impartiality, fairness and balance is the crux of our editorial policy. We don’t patronize our readership by trying to influence them, we just state the facts clearly and without exaggeration and let them draw their own conclusions.

I would also like to say that just because the Daily Mail have tried very very very hard to find any tangible evidence of dirt on Alex Salmond, and hasn’t found any, doesn’t mean he is clean. In fact his good character proves he can’t be trusted – remember Judas kissed Jesus and that Lady Macbeth doth protest too much.’

Professor Lloyd adds one more important and what he states grimly as a ‘damning recent finding from some scenario mapping exercises, the final nail in the coffin of Alex Salmond’s mad delusional propaganda about Scotland being able to manage its own affairs and resources better than London does. I did a post independence calamity brainstorming exercise in the pub at lunch time, using sticky yellow office post-its, so it was a proper piece of social research. From one of the most prominent scribbles I made, it does appear that the most probable outcome if Scotland votes yes for independence, is that they will fall into an abyss. I don’t mean this metaphorically, literally the whole country will break off at the border and slip beneath the chilly waves and there won’t be any friendly aliens down there to save them. It would be doomed, doomed I say.

However I also did a bit of an extrapolation exercise looking 30 years into the future when the oil runs out and  surprisingly have discovered that would be the right time for independence. Scotland would be absolutely fine and dandy then, no referendum required and I would recommend that England rebuild Hadrian’s wall between both countries as a friendly gesture, a way of thanking you Scots for the last few centuries. Its been fan dabi dozi’.

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