July 3, 2022

At the national conference of white van drivers, the key issue that has arisen again and again is growing frustration among white van drivers about the lack of opportunity to show public frustration at other drivers.

White van driver Stan Jones told us:

‘In the good old days when there were lots of minor driving infringements by other drivers, I used to get so frustrated. On a typical day, I would sleep in cause I had a bad hangover, then go for a bacon butty to line the stomach, then get caught up in the Sun newspaper. I’d be about 2 hours late for a job already, then some old bird in front of me would linger for at least a full second when the light turned from red to green.

I would have my lights on, full-beam flashing, horn blasting, shouting and whaling, ‘its f**king green you moron’, making dick head signs out the window at her. I’d get so angry and frustrated, it was brilliant. Nowadays there are so few minor infringements, it’s rubbish. I have no opportunity to rant, rave and intimidate.

The only shit drivers now are us, the white van drivers ourselves. We really are bloody horrendously bad and inconsiderate drivers, we double park, tailgate, pull out without indicating, awful. But we white van drivers can’t get publically frustrated at each other. It’s not the done protocol. And if we went down that route of cursing at other white van drivers, I would have to start eventually cursing at myself, and there’s no fun in that. Naw we need Joe public to trip up so we can pick on them.

There is an old geezer lives next door to me, I think I’ll just have to follow him around driving real close behind with my special big red angry face, to make him nervous, until he makes some kind of tiny error maybe at a busy roundabout. If he waits one millisecond too long, I’ll turn the air f**king blue, I will.’

Allan Johnson, President of the White Van Drivers’ association acknowledged that due to general improved road skills among everyone except white van drivers that the opportunity for white van drivers to get frustrated had vastly reduced. He suggested that white van drivers, ‘Could consider finding other things to get publically frustrated at, like trees that need pruned, maybe a fashion faux pas like anyone over the age of 6 wearing a Onesy outdoors, or maybe even untidy cloud formations, like cumulonimbus’.

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