Barman Frank Malone yesterday issued an apology to all previous customers after his shocking discovery that his salary comes from the money customers pay him for drinks.
Frank Malone, ‘I always thought I was simply doing you all a favor by eventually tearing myself away from some rubbish soap opera on TV to apathetically and reluctantly serve you drinks. I thought the money you lowly, worthless pieces of human detritus gave me was a kind of offering because of my god-like status as a barman. I am, after all, the most-high guardian of all things precious to you, like the TV remote control, the volume control for the jukebox, darts, and a broken triangle for the pool table.
It was because of my unquestionable authority and greatness that I have developed selective hearing and vision when there is a queue at the bar, by always serving my friends and pretty girls first.
Now I have been told that I do not have god-like status, but rather I am a minimum waged liquid dispenser and till worker, basically like someone working in Mcdonald’s, except without customer service skills.
I am in stunned shock to discover the connection between the payments, coming from your lowly weasels, and my income and livelihood. Now that I know the truth I will get on with my work in a more humble, efficient, and courteous manner that befits my status.
I will treat customers, no longer as peasants only fit to chew fresh dog shit off the soles of my ill-fitting and basically crap looking cowboy boots, but rather with the greatest respect and gratitude they deserve’.