March 29, 2023

Speaking sign language, laboratory chimpanzee Allen asks, ‘It seems so unfair that humans are eligible to go to heaven but other animals not. At what point in the evolutionary chain was it decided humans were no longer animals and thus could go to heaven? It must have been at some stage, maybe 2 million, 5,552 thousand years ago, on the first Friday of March at 2pm. The cut-off point needed to be very clear to avoid confusion. Then all those that were born after that time were categorized as sufficiently evolved and eligible to go to heaven and those born before that were still considered animals and weren’t eligible?

So when will the evolutionary cut-off point be for chimps? 150 years from now, next Wednesday? When can the door to heaven be potentially open to us?

My human keeper is a raging atheist, he says that religion is just a socially constructed figment of human imagination designed to enable unfortunate people to live through great suffering and for the fortunate to control the masses. He calls it a redundant crutch. Well, it is not redundant for me. I had AIDS injected into me last week and shampoo rubbed into my eyes this morning and it bloody stang. I want to dream of a better afterlife. I want to find meaning in my suffering’.

On asking the Vatican for comment, we got the following reply:

‘His holiness is not entirely convinced that Darwinian evolutionism trumps creationism as a viable theory of how we got here, and he also has a soft spot for dolphins. So the chances of a positive response to Allen’s request about when the evolutionary cut-off point for heaven eligibility might be for chimps, well frankly it might be several millennia away at least’.

On letting a teary eyed Allen hear this response from the Vatican he whimpered (again in sign language), ‘It is so not fair when I look around at some humans. I can use a remote control, play Connect Four and ride a bicycle even without stabilizers. Homo erectus, neanderthal man and many indigenous tribes can’t do that.

You self important humans always bleat on that because you have a conscience that seperates you from the rest of the animal kingdom, who you say don’t have a conscience. Utter nonsense and what supreme arrogance. Have you seen the guilty look on a dog’s face when it lets out a really smelly fart? Also I poked my finger somewhere in my body it shouldn’t have been and then directly inserted it into my keeper’s mouth. Now I actually feel a bit bad about that, even though he is a heathen.’

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