March 29, 2023

Mary Umomba, Executive Director of the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women today announced that to mark International Women’s Day, women if they wish, will from now on be provided with two husbands each.

Mary Umomba, ‘It has been known for generations that women can’t get all that they need from one man, but we have been afraid to talk about the elephant in the room, because of our lack of emancipation.

For most of the month, women want a sensitive and kind caring companion, a best friend, someone that listens to them attentively no matter what the topic, whether that is the challenges women are facing in their career/life balance or even if it is about what shade of pastel-colored cushions match the sofa.

But then for a few days, every month women simply want a commanding bad boy who will give them a good seeing to and maybe fix that ratty noise in the car. Trying to find both qualities in one man is proving extremely difficult.

Also, you don’t want the sensitive cushion-hugging guy hanging around when Mr. long-haired and leather swaggers in. Likewise, we don’t want that shallow chauvinist pig hanging around when we are snuggling up with our comfy soul mate, drinking cocoa.

So the only solution has been to develop this new two-husband declaration. Of course, for many, one husband may already be one too many.

Accommodation might be a little bit of a problem, but in line with this new Declaration, governments will be obliged to provide a new stipend for each household to develop a glorified kennel in the garden with a mini bar and flat screen TV. That should suffice for the husband that is not on service at that particular time’.

To find out the reaction on the ground I ask Jean Simpson, 34, wife and career woman from Birmingham, what she feels about her new rights to have a ‘husband sandwich’ with her in the middle?

‘My neighbour Valerie has had her husband Stan up since the crack of dawn building a kennel for her spare husband. But I like to think things through from a practical perspective. It takes women such a long time to house train their first husband. I’m not sure I want to go through all that again with a second one.

Like most women, after we do the bad boy thing in our teens, and maybe once after an argument with our husband and too many tequila shots at a works conference, I prefer to keep the bad boy confined to the realms of my imagination. That way he won’t ever leave the toilet seat up’.

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