March 29, 2023

Ms Evelyn Walker, a middle-aged school teacher explains, ‘I was just minding my own business, having some tea and shortbread, quietly listening to a Radio 4 debate between Labour, the Conservatives and the UK Independence Party on this issue of whether the UK should vote to stay within or leave the European Union. The so-called ‘in-out’ referendum. Then something stirred deep within me when the gentlemen involved in the debate repeatedly stated the term ‘in-out’ in dulcet manly tones. There is nothing for it now, I’ll have to dash straight over to Ann Summers’.

Newly-elected councilor John Witherby, a spokesperson for the UK Independence Party states, ‘Immigration and Europe are inextricably linked. The only practical way to put a curb on immigration is to have a vote on Europe, to break free from Brussels and close the door to the uncontrolled tidal wave of immigrants crashing on our shores. I will say it three times so that maybe the mainstream parties can finally hear the people of Britain speak. We want a vote on Europe that is clear with only two choices, in-out, in-out, in-out. I’ll say it one more time for good measure, in-out. When we do get the vote and are able to free ourselves from Europe, then we have to get firm with immigrants, yes firm with them.

A blanket ban on all immigrants however may not be practical or fully desirable. Maybe we can be a little selective regarding the immigrants we keep in the UK, based on certain qualities. There are some really tasty Eastern European birds in Britain with long toned legs and incredibly strong-looking thighs that are strutting around with unfeasibly short skirts on. Clearly, they should be allowed to stay. If any of them would like to have a bit of British in them, I could personally help them out with that. Yes, that’s right, they would get some of the old ‘in-out’ from me, that’s for sure… Did I just say the last few sentences out loud? Shit, I need a cold bath urgently.’

Doctor Jim Hortley, animal psychologist at London Zoo provides a scientific explanation of the phenomenon, ‘The British public are in a constant state of repression of their instinctive sexual urges and it doesn’t take much to catalyse a dramatic release, as seen with the 50 Shades Of Grey effect last year. The recent high profile, frequent use of the term ‘in-out’ on a variety of media outlets, the improved weather, more wine and more cleavage on show this time of year have conspired to push them over the edge and unleash what I would call an uncontrolled volcano of randiness. Even some long term dormant volcanoes are being aroused back to life.

I myself will be leaving work early today and spending a considerable amount of time on the internet. Let’s just say I won’t be catching up on the latest camera trap photos of snow leopards’.

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