March 29, 2023

Syrian rebel Commander Abdul Said of the Absolutely Free Syrian Martyrs brigade is clearly frustrated as he shares his thoughts, ‘We very publically aligned ourselves with Al Qaeda.  We blatantly broke the Geneva Convention by killing our prisoners in gruesome ways. We even crossed your so-called red line and used chemical weapons on our opponents. But the West still tries to court us! Assad is no saint, but how can you possibly still want to support us? Many of us are complete jihadist fanatics who will support atrocities in the West at the first opportunity we get. Can’t you understand this?

To prove just how crazy we are one of our commanders ate a human heart and filmed it. A real raw bloody heart ripped out of a dead regime soldier. How much clearer can we be than that in showing how bonkers, bloodthirsty and unsupportable we are? Do I have to spell it out? We are B.A.D. N.E.W.S. – S.T.A.Y. A.W.A.Y. Got the message?’

In a jointly agreed statement released by President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron they state their position on this matter, ‘We should not take a knee jerk reaction to this latest, and may we note uncorroborated, action by a rebel commander. Also if it actually did happen we should try to keep an open mind with regards to the message this heart-eating episode is trying to send out to the world. Maybe the heart was removed and chewed as a metaphor, to illustrate how the cruelty of war rips the very human heart and soul apart. It could have been a poignant piece of performance art worthy of the Turner prize, designed to turn public opinion against the horrors of war, another ‘Napalm girl moment.

In general, we do agree that the rebels may at times get up to some high jinx but we would still classify them on the whole as a band of likeable rogues, with a few rough diamonds in there that could do with a polish. We still very much favour working closely with them in partnership and through their biggest supporter Saudi Arabia and will provide them with financial and military support so they can overthrow Assad and turn the country into a model democracy. It is impossible that such financial and weapons support to these rebels will ever backfire on us. They would never bite the hand that feeds them, come on now, they are men of honour.’

An agitated Commander Abdul Said responds to this statement,”high jinx’, ‘likeable rogues’. We ate a freaking human heart! We chop off the heads of any infidels we capture! We are not Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones Diary. This is getting crazy, get over us already. The West’s infatuation with us reminds me of a guy that relentlessly kept asking me for permission to court my teenage daughter. What a fool. He now resides at the bottom of a well.

It’s not as if the West is a virgin in these matters. Have you learnt nothing from your flings in Afghanistan supporting the Mujahideen, then supporting rebels in Iraq and Libya? Can you not see we will kill infidels in Europe and America at the first opportunity we get. First you get rid of our enemies Saddam and Ghaddafi, then you shower us with gifts of money and weapons, this irrational obsession with supporting us must stop…do you not understand we do not love you, we want to kill you!

In frustration with your irrational obsession with us, I think I am going to pull the hair and fingernails out of the few prisoners we haven’t tortured to death yet.’

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