Fox News has claimed Procol Harum or an organization that sounds a bit like them, is growing more brazen in their terrorist attacks in Nigeria and robust action needs to be taken. Republican Senator, Wayne Dwight was quick to respond, ‘ These lefty hippy types, I knew it all along they had Islamist leanings, in Whiter Shades of Pale they talk about vestal virgins for god’s sake, only a soft touch like Obama could have missed that obvious clue to their fanaticism. We should have Guantanamoed their Bach ripping off asses years ago’.

Gary Brooker, keyboard player and vocalist with Procol Harum replies to the accusations by insisting, ‘ We have had nothing to do with the church burning and bombing of district police headquarters in Northern Nigerian states or any Nigerian states for that matter. I was having a picnic with my niece at the time, no sorry nephew, no sorry not a picnic, more of a barbeque, although we did have sandwiches also. Does that make it a picnic?

Look because of long-term marijuana use I’m getting paranoid. You have us mixed up with the Nigerian terrorist organization, Boko Haram. We are Procol Harum, completely different, just the name sounds a bit the same. I don’t think Boko Haram has released any progressive rock albums, at least not to my knowledge, so that should prove our innocence. So please leave us alone. Peace and Love.’

The head of the Nigerian secret service adds his views about the revelation from Fox News, ‘We usually find that there is no smoke without fire. Also can somebody please tell me what a ‘fandango’ is?’

Keith Reid the abstract lyricist with Procol Harum when asked what he thinks of the matter replies, ‘Light fades fast when curvaceous moonlight laughs, so glisten brightly my timid one, glisten brightly’

Men around the world have come out in support of Michael Douglas’s brave stand and enlightenment that his throat cancer was caused by orally pleasuring the ladies rather than his decades of tobacco and alcohol abuse.

Jim Smith a civil engineer from Bristol says, ‘Angelina Jolie has taken a lot of credit for cancer awareness by simply getting her fun bags removed. What about Michael Douglas’s emotional torment of having to forego worshiping at his loved one’s hairy altar to head off the threat of cancer reoccurrence?

Michael has given me the strength now to say no to my wife. That’s it for me. No more masterful tongue fumbling in my wife’s downstairs area. I really loved it too, what man doesn’t? But I have to think of my health, my wife, and my family and stay strong in my resolve to refrain, no matter how difficult it is for me to resist doing it. From now on in the bedroom I will just have to sacrifice my own pleasure, lay back, close my eyes, think of nurses’ uniforms and let my wife do everything.

Mark Hastings, an Accountant from London is clearly inspired by this new medical illumination, ‘Really a narrow escape for all us men. It is great to finally get accurate information on carcinogens from such an eminent thespian as Mr. Douglas. His father was brilliant in Spartacus, which made me want to both cry and rise up and kill my teacher the first time I saw it.

Now with this clear guidance from Michael, we men can focus on spending time on harmless pursuits championed by Michael like chain-smoking and excessive drinking and avoid the few minutes we spend each month performing extremely dangerous foreplay on our wives. I would be very interested to hear Michael’s expert medical diagnosis on the risks of house work and shopping on men’s health also. I have serious health concerns about those and also about putting the toilet seat down.’

To get the female viewpoint, we ask Margaret Simmons, a shopkeeper from Cardiff what she thinks of Michael Douglas’s revelation? ‘If oral sex causes cancer why aren’t all carpet munching lezzers riddled with it? Also I notice Michael didn’t mention any negative aspects regarding women doing sex acts on men.

I think Catherine Zeta Jones should blame gentleman juice for her bipolar disorder and Michael should be kicked out of the bedroom onto the couch so he can take out his sex addition on his hand for the next few years. After that the randy old wrinkly necked chancer may think again before he talks complete and utter shit and he would probably have a right arm like a young Schwarzenegger’.

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