March 29, 2023

New technological advances in Japanese dog language interpretation devices have revealed what many dog owners have long suspected, that dog barks are littered with the gratuitous use of expletives. After talking to dogs, it has been discovered that the inspiration for their excessive cursing is foul-mouthed Frank Booth, Dennis Hopper’s character in Blue Velvet.

Using the interpretation device, a Border Collie, Patch explains, ‘Frank Booth, he’s the dogs’ bollocks, the f**kin man, isn’t he? Have you ever seen more of a f**ked up mother f**ker on the screen? The way he uses that freaking mask and that f**ked up ‘come to mummy’ shit with Isabella Rossellini, f**k me. Frank brought cursing to a whole new f**kin level on the screen – kicked it into f**kin orbit, the c**t. If they cut swearing out of that movie, it would reduce the entire length by f**king half, f**king brilliant. He is a f**king legend in my eyes.

Animal Psychologist, Professor Jim Stanton provides his professional insight, ‘Now we have this dog interpretation device, the fact that dogs are swearing like troopers will come to the fore, but we have to understand the root cause of the problem to tackle it. Dogs are instinctively hierarchical, always looking for the most alpha male, and then they fixate on them, hero worship them, and for want of a better turn of phrase, often become copy cats. Dogs think most TV is puerile with a dearth of role models, appropriate or otherwise, so usually can’t be arsed to watch it. But they were all glued to Blue Velvet, Dennis Hopper’s Frank Booth blew the canine world away. They were in awe of every move, facial expression and especially swear word. They never seen anyone like him before and knew no one could mess with Frank Booth, he is top dog in their eyes.

I think putting signs up all over the place banning dog fouling, actually makes it even more attractive for dogs to use foul language. It becomes the forbidden fruit for them and they literally take the piss. We should instead be dismantling Frank Booth as a bad ass alpha male role model. We have to pull the pedestal, show him as a humiliated figure, then the excessive swearing that dogs associate with him and emulate will no longer be cool. This could be achieved by having signs near peeing trees with photo-shopped pictures of Frank doing demeaning tasks like ironing his socks or in the audience at a Justin Bieber concert. Also dogs probably need more hugs, especially the small angry barking ones.’

We ask a clearly irritated Yorkshire Terrier, Curly, what he thinks of the recommendations from the Animal Psychologist, Professor Stanton;

‘Bark, bark, bwap, bwap, bark bark, yelp yelp, bark bark’ – (Billy Shears, ‘apologies for that, I forgot to turn the interpretation device on – here is Curly now in English’)

Curly, ‘If that f**king c**t, comes the f**k near me trying to f**king hug me or denigrate the image of Frank Booth, I will f**king chew off his f**king head and piss right down his f**king windpipe.

All I want to say is that the f**king world is a lesser f**king place without Mr Hopper. In dreams, I f**king dream of you Frank, you f**king f**ker you.’

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