A Wikileaks legal assistant to Edward Snowden, the computer whiz and former NSA agent turned whistleblower has read the letter written by President Putin in reply to Snowden’s asylum request to Russia. She gives an overview of the letter’s contents, ‘Putin had a list of conditions in the letter that Snowden must fulfil so that he could be granted asylum. One of them is about to help in deleting the internet browsing history of a ‘friend’.
In the letter, Putin states that Snowden would be welcome in Russia if he could permanently delete from the internet past search terms from an internet account linked to Putin but that he states must have been accessed without his knowledge by a friend. The search terms used included ‘big bulge tight leotard’. Also, Putin writes that he thinks his crazy friend also searched several thousand times for images using terms such as ‘macho gay icon Putin is hot’ and ‘most buff world leader’.
Putin categorically states that, unlike his friend, he does not like muscular men in tight leotards no matter how well presented their packages might look in stretched Lycra. He added that we must have heard the rumours about him and a bendy 100% female gymnast causing his divorce. He states it is all true and that he is mad and lusty for women, now that he is single. In the letter, he strongly advised that everyone should lock up their wives, daughters, mothers and female farm animals everywhere because Putin is on the loose again but stressed that attractive muscular men in tight-fitting shorts and swimwear would be perfectly safe in his company. He suggested that handsome young men could even swim naked in a lake together with him, then have a sauna and then they could thrash each other with birch twigs.
Edward Snowden wasn’t able to guarantee that the internet browsing history of Putin’s ‘friend’ could be deleted because he no longer has security clearance to access that data. So his request for asylum was withdrawn as he couldn’t meet these conditions.
Edward Snowden has stated that the condition needed by any country’s leader to grant him asylum would be to have the balls to stand up to America. However it seems that apart from in Latin America finding such courage is harder than finding a reincarnation of Liberace breakdancing to Country and Western music on the moon.’
180 Degrees News contacted the embassies of the many countries that Edward Snowden has requested asylum in and we received the following replies; Norway’s embassy; ‘Mr. Snowden made a grave procedural mistake in his application so unfortunately we could not accept him. He used Arial font size 12 on his asylum request, although not stipulated anywhere Norway can only recognise Times New Roman font size 12 in asylum applications. Once this fatal mistake has been made, no second asylum application can be accepted’.
On calling Ireland’s embassy in Moscow we got the following reply; ‘The ambassador cannot answer the Email, fax, phone or door at the moment as he is hiding under his bed so was not actually able to receive the asylum request from Snowden, and thus is not in a position to process it’.
Spain’s ambassador was interviewed in a restaurant next to the embassy where he was having a leisurely lunch. In reply to whether Spain would grant asylum to Snowden and not be intimidated by America he states, ‘Courage to stand up to America? Like Chavez, Saddam, Osama and Gaddafi? You have seen the video showing the last few moments of Gaddafi’s life? Metal pole shoved up the bum. No gracias. I think I will have a cold Sangria instead.
Snowden’s asylum request was promptly made into a paper aeroplane which I threw at my secretary’s ample behind’.