March 29, 2023

In response to Jamie Oliver’s best-selling book, ‘15 minutes meals’ and to meet the negative publicity about her alleged Cocaine use head-on, British celebrity cook Nigella Lawson has released a book of recipes that undercuts Jamie’s time for meals by 14 minutes and 25 seconds. The book is entitled ‘Cooking on Coke, Nigella’s 35 seconds meals’.

Over the phone, I ask Nigella what the secret of her remarkable speed cooking is?

Nigella, ‘Have you ever seen the end of Scarface with Tony Montana and the big pile of coke on the table? Well, I make Tony look like a boy scout, ha, ha, ha.

I am actually looking voluptuously at the phone now by the way as I talk to you as if I want to lick it’

That’s nice to know Nigella. As a non-drug user myself, could you elaborate on how taking drugs actually speeds up the cooking process?

‘Mountains of coke just make your brain work faster, 1 second seems like 10, and the brain functions in a more connected way so that a multitude of tasks can be conducted simultaneously. I can beat eggs, flirt at the camera, make the pastry, flirt at the camera, get things in the oven and then do a special flirt, a complex seductive hair flick thingy with pursed lips. Even quite complex dishes integrating multiple flirts, I can put together in 35 seconds now, but just have to make sure I don’t get my icing sugar and coke mixed up, ha, ha, ha.

This book really will be a fabulous gift for Christmas, when time is short, there are many parties to cook for, and the odd snort or two is needed to keep you in an upbeat frame of mind when engaging in mindless chit chat with boring uncles.

Opps sorry, have to go, just realised I am naked and standing in the garden, looking gorgeous of course, big in all the right places’.

To get the pulse of how members of the wider culinary community feel, I ask Stan Jones who works in Gregs the Bakers, what are his views on Nigella Lawson now after the disclosure of her gargantuan drug habit?

‘I thought I couldn’t fancy that woman any more than I already do, but the thought of a coked up Nigella has been rolling around in my filthy imagination for days now. Even numerous cold showers and wearing uncomfortably tight underwear doesn’t help’.

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