March 29, 2023

In 2011/12 Scotland contributed £56.9 billion in tax revenue which is equivalent to £10,700 per person, compared to £9,000 per person for the UK as a whole. Since 1980/81 Scotland has contributed £222 billion more in tax revenues than if it had just matched the per capita contributions of the UK. For every one of the last 32 years, Scotland has contributed more to the UK than the UK has contributed to Scotland.

A Scottish government spokesman reassures England, ‘ Even with independence, when the formal subsidy we provide to Westminster under the union stops, and England feels it can’t afford the loss, Scottish people will not wash their hands of their southern neighbors. Scottish people are a friendly lot, we have many bonds with England and we will be good neighbors.

No matter how tempting it may be, we will not be spending all our time lifting our kilts and showing our white bum cheeks across the border in England. Although it might happen occasionally.

A thank you for the net economic contribution we have made to the Westminster government over the last decades would have been polite. Giving money to help your neighbor, then your neighbor spreading the rumor that you are a freeloader is not very gracious behavior.

I do feel very sorry for the people of the north of England who played such a major role in making England wealthy over the centuries. Yet the number of families relying on food aid in Northern England has increased by more than 170% since this time last year, it is shameful. We don’t really see any credible plan by Westminster to deal with the severe and worsening economic and social problems. We will escape the Westminster Government with independence, but we do feel sorry for those that will be left behind.

I have quite a large boot in the car and after independence will be spending some weekends delivering food parcels south across the border, and it won’t only be Walkers Shortbread but good wholesome Scottish agricultural produce. We will be encouraging all Scots to be good neighbours and to always fill a box of charitable contributions for ‘England Aid’.

Also we promise no threats to close the border, passport control or anything spiteful like that. English economic refugees fleeing north to Scotland will be welcome. We also promise not to stereotype, poke fun at them or their strange accents. That would be racist.’

We ask a Conservative government spokesman to respond to this kind gesture from Scotland, ‘How dare the Scots say we don’t have a vision or plan. Who do they think they are lecturing and patronizing us, that England hasn’t got what it takes to look after itself? Would we ever say things like that about Scottish government plans or Scottish people?

England will be more than fine on her own, the huge unsustainable mountain of debt we continue to accumulate to finance even basic services will be reduced to a mole hill when our carefully crafted new concrete 3 point economic plan kicks in. The following gives Scotland a taste of what they will be missing with independence and their silly White Paper.

Firstly baby massage, Zumba and Pilates are going to take the place of industry as a cornerstone of the economy in England. Secondly we are going to increase, by the millions, the number of winners of the lottery and the X-factor, and thirdly we are going to borrow a new layer of money from the Chinese at a higher interest rate to pay back the money we already borrowed from them at a lower rate. Although I think we will have to promise to remove the name of Tibet and Taiwan from all school atlases. That can be cheaply done with felt tip pens.

Even though statistics show that immigrants to England are making a net contribution to the economy, in the highly unlikely event of the 3 point plan failing, we can always blame them.

Compare our 3 point plan to Scotland’s flimsy potential. What does Scotland really have apart from a strong positive international brand, the food and drink industry including the booming global market for whisky, renewable energy, water, tourism, fisheries, forestry, the potential for increased Scottish rural productivity with land reform, financial services, attracting foreign investment with lower corporation tax, revitalised oil and gas industry, the consistently highest ranking education system on this island and lots of space for its population?

Weigh that all up against what we in England have and you will understand why it’s the 5 million Scots that should be worried, not the 55 million people crowded into England who are primed and ready to unleash the full economic potential of baby massage to turn the economy around.

I would finally ask the Scots to remember that London was the centre of an empire where the sun never set. Empires never die, well at least not the superior, complacent sense of self-importance that empires seem to foster. Have you never heard of the expression ‘pride before continued greatness’? Well that spirit of entitlement and greatness still stays strong amongst Conservative politicians and this will not be shaken by the breaking free of another one of our vassal states…I mean the separation of an equal partner in the United Kingdom.

Even if England has been living way beyond its means whilst not admitting it, and if it will be even further up shit creak when we lose Scotland’s net contribution, we Conservatives will stand strong in the face of adversity, stiff upper lip all the way.

Through a network of public school boys we have carefully developed one of the most unequal societies on earth. So the rich elites in England will always be fine. No food parcels needed from Scotland for us, thank you, unless they contain Foie Gras.’

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