Billy Shears, 180 Degrees News

Linda and Hamish (not real names) have written a desperate anonymous plea to the Guardian Newspaper appealing for the middle class to call a truce in the coming months on one-upmanship, so they can have a financial, physical and emotional rest.

Linda, ‘I don’t even like going somewhere foreign on holiday, it is full of foreigners and foreign food, but now I have to go foreign 2 times a year to keep up with my other middle class friends. Facebook has made it all so much worse, there is no escape from what the others are doing and they always look so happy and perfect with their private villa, après ski drinks and beaming children.

We have a huge mortgage just so we can live in a desirable area, a top of the range car on hire purchase, and have to tag ourselves in some fancy restaurant at least once a week and I have to try to keep up with the most fashionable thing in the gym which changes every month. Please please please can all other aspiring upper middle class just relax for a few months, chill out, watch TV and have the odd nice walk or jog if they feel like it, without any Facebook updates doing something expensive or energetic with their shiny happy families. I’m exhausted and we are in so much debt’.

Hamish, ‘I have an 800 quid mountain bike crammed into the shed with my sit on lawnmower. I used that bike only once, even have a helmet camera, all because the guy in the next cubicle at work wanted us all to go biking on his 40th. I couldn’t go on a cheap bike could I?

I actually hate most of my social life now, it is just showing off doing expensive sports badly, uptight dinner parties and doing ridiculous but Facebook friendly things for charity. I really miss unwinding and having fun, having a pint or two down the pub with some relaxed banter. Cheap or even free activities are fine with me, a game of cards or a kick around. Keeping up appearances and only mixing with the ‘right sort’ of people is boring and tiring, they are basically all wankers up their own arses, which forces me to become a wanker up my own arse.

Linda and I are prepared to step off the never-ending conveyor belt of ‘we are doing better than you’, if everyone else will do the same? It makes sense to call a truce, otherwise where will this all end? Who is really winning from all of this?’.

A spokesman for the British Treasury, Sir Malcolm Harvey-Baxter explains that, ‘ A truce on one-upmanship is absolutely out of the question. Publicly stating that cheap or even free activities are a good way for the middle class to spend their time is downright dangerous talk. Advertisers have spent 100s of millions of pounds tricking the aspiring middle classes that trying to outdo each other through conspicuous consumption of the most fashionable goods and services is the only true route to happiness. One-upmanship is the back bone of our economy and Facebook and Twitter are helping things along nicely, by herding competitive consumer sheep towards….I mean by helping people freely express and share their unique lifestyle choices.

Also Linda and Hamish should not mention the word ‘debt’, debt hasn’t officially been called debt since 1997, when the financial services rebranded the word debt to ‘credit’, to make borrowing a much more positive experience, nothing to be ashamed of or worried about.

Sounds like Linda and Hamish urgently need to access more credit and book a holiday somewhere where they can pose in a contrived pic for social media, with glasses of champagne, turquoise sea in the background, force their children to smile and Linda can suck in her stomach and have a bikini selfie to show off her gym body. That will really piss their Facebook friends off and make them both deeply happy.’




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