March 29, 2023

After previous high profile mediation initiatives such as attempting to break the standoff between police and gunman Raoul Moate in Rothbury using the famous ‘suggest to go fishing with a can of lager and some chicken’ approach, x-footballer Paul Gascoigne, commonly known as Gazza will now aim to work his mediation magic on Gaza.

Paul Gascoigne stated, ‘I’m so fed up with all my mates getting me mixed up with Gaza and ringing up and asking me what sort of trouble I’ve got myself into now because of the #freegaza campaign that I have decided the best thing I can do is to actually fix the Gaza thing.

I see myself as a roving ambassador for settling rows. For example last Friday night outside the Taj Palace takeaway I managed to stop this big lass from smashing the face of this young lad. He had knocked her chips with curry sauce off a wall, whilst she was relieving herself behind a bus shelter. I talked her around with some therapy and a peace offering of half a bottle of pear cider and an onion bhaji.

In Gaza what I will say is ‘Come on Israel, calm down mate, this killing children thing is not very nice, why not have some Newcastle Brown Ale and I’ll tell you a joke about a giraffe, a dog named Charlie and a fish pie. If they don’t lighten up then I’ll set Jimmy Five Bellies on them to give them a right good kicking, and Jimmy is well hard now, slimmed down and fit and all. He can do fly kicks and everything’.

Paul then asks if he can have a quick cigarette break.

Whilst smoking I ask Paul if he hasn’t forgotten that there are two sides in the conflict, what about dealing with the Palestinian Terrorists? Paul replies, ‘Look I may be an alcoholic but I’m not daft, when you come across a group of big muscly guys with baseball bats, that’s Israel, beating the absolute shite out of some wee fella, that’s Palestine, who is trying to defend himself with a badminton racket, that’s not a two sided conflict.

I think if I took the lot of them fishing, with plenty of lager, that non-alcoholic stuff for the Palestinians of course, and a big bag of pies, we could solve things right fast like’.

I ask Paul if he feels he is adequately experienced in the subtleties of Middle East political mediation? Is it not too much of a step up from solving Tyneside curry house altercations?

Paul replies, ‘Well I couldn’t do any worse than that so called Middle East Peace Envoy and useless twat Tony Blair, could I?’

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