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By Billy Shears, 180 Degrees News

Read the following 10 questions and count up how many apply to you to see if you have arrived in middle class heaven? What your total means is explained at the end.

1. Talking loudly to your toddlers in public situations as if they are adults.
2. Being conspicuously always busy, rushing from one appointment to the next, and always tapping away on your phone, even when with friends or family.
3. Kids must be signed up to a myriad of classes, clubs and groups that they are rushed around to (linked to number 2), including ballet if you have a girl.
4. Unnecessarily super fancy buggies/prams that you need a PhD to fold up and put in your oversized car.
5. Flaunting a healthy lifestyle on social media, a 10k run, expensive mountain bike, gym membership – signed up to the current fad classes, wearing expensive extreme outdoor clothing or gym clothing as casual wear, going in for expensive super food fads.
6. Proclaiming publicly in restaurants, intolerance to certain kind of foods (gluten) without any proven medical condition.
7. Trying to go grand designs on your kitchen, usually involves open plan, an island, nice worktops, glass sunroom, a log burner or suchlike. High end kitchenware, expensive knives, chopping board etc. a must to chop up your occasional organic farmers’ market produce.
8. At least 2 holidays a year, ideally a private villa so you don’t have to mix with the plebes, not a hotel. Skiing a must and Aldi ski wear obviously not acceptable.
9. Going to high profile concerts, festivals or sporting events. Have your picture taken drinking beer in a plastic cup or wearing fancy wellies, looking so happy, even though you hated the whole experience as you had to mix with people that were not your ‘type’.
10. Conspicuous giving or conspicuous environmentalism – simply an extension of conspicuous consumption rather than genuinely trying to do any good. You won’t give up your energy sucking up large detached house or car, pension fund that is causing the destruction of rain-forests or those holiday flights, but will show off your charity and green credentials by posting a sponsored activity on social media for charity or do something conspicuous but insignificant for the environment, like Facebook yourself planting a tree or cycling to work once with a hashtag about the environment.

Now how middle class are you?

0-2 I bet you still call your lunch dinner, and dinner, tea, and you sometimes have it sitting on the settee in the living room, in front of the telly, usually around 6pm. Congrats you are normal, you haven’t joined the race to become annoying wankers.
3-5 Ah, you are climbing up the posh ladder, you call the living room the sitting room, and will uncork some prosecco there on the sofa (not the settee) after you had your dinner at the table around 7pm.
6-8 No matter how much prosecco you have on the sofa, you will never go to the toilet, only to the loo.
9-10 Congratulations you have truly arrived in aspirational middle class heaven. On a sunny evening, Mummy and Daddy (never Mum and Dad) are served boutique gin on the terrace (not the patio) at the back of the house, never at the front of the house. Socializing in the front garden is vulgar.

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