By Billy Shears, 180 Degrees News
Police reported complaints of a loud altercation in a penthouse suite at an upmarket hotel in downtown Manhattan last night. Witnesses at the hotel confirmed the noise emanated from the suite where Mariah Carey, her boyfriend and entourage are residing.
Journalists quickly gathered in the lobby of the hotel to get a scoop. Visibly shaken, Mariah Carey’s new boyfriend sheepishly exited the elevator, sporting a black eye. He read out the following statement to the assembled press;
‘Yesterday my best friend Mark was robustly interviewed by Mariah concerning what I would be getting her for Christmas and under considerable pressure he let slip that all I had planned was for Mark to tie a ribbon with a bow around me and wrap me up in a large gift box and I would be delivered as a surprize for Mariah to unwrap on Christmas morning. As a result of this information Mariah decided I required a leveling of expectations session, to unpick my misconstrued too literal interpretation of her well known Christmas hit. This dressing down was conducted assertively which resulted in some limited audibility beyond the confines of the hotel suite. I apologise for any inconvenience caused, we will be making no further public statement on this matter and we ask that the press respect our privacy at this difficult time’.
A hotel guest who asked to remain anonymous explained that she was staying three floors above the couple and described being woken up by a ‘deafening, piercing screech like a banshee through an amplifier. This was followed by what sounded like plates, vases and furniture smashing and crashing off walls and a man pleading in abject terror. Then, punctuated with more crashes and thuds, the female voice screamed something along the following lines, ‘It’s only an F-ing song, don’t you get it dickhead? (CRASH) What the song actually means, if you use your puny male brain to read between the lines, is that I clearly want to be surprised with a gift fit for a princess. Jewelry covered with big massive diamonds (THUD). Or a sports car or a yacht or a plane… covered with big massive diamonds. You imbecile (CRASH). Women saying they do not want something for Christmas, or ‘anything will do’ is an obvious trap, you moron (THUD).
If I wake up on Christmas morning and there is only you wrapped up with a bow…an F-ing bow? Are you serious!? (CRASH AND THUD) You cheapskate mother fu…(THUD AND MALE YELP), I will literally cut your nuts off myself and have my personal chef roast them up with the turkey (LOUD SLAP).
Now get out of my sight and don’t come back until you find a gift worthy of a princess. No, of a queen. If you think I am upset now, wait until you witness my reaction if you spoil Christmas for me. It will be off the Richter scale. Now get out shopping and surprise me!!’’ (DOOR SLAM, SMASH).
The boyfriend was last seen in a state of panic, leaving Tiffanys laden with heavy boxes where ironically at the same time, the lines from Mariah’s song, ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ was blasting out.
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